I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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