i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
