I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
