i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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