Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
