I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
