Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm just crazy horny about you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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