he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
