Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
