cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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