It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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