he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
