just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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