I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
