Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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