on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize