$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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