oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
