well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
