I cannot find my penis.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
