Im at strip club and am horny
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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