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I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
