don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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