Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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