just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
