Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
