i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
