god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
