my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
