i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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