we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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