Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
