Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
