Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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