Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
