Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
