If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Girls should come with a carfax report
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
