her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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