Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
