I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
