i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
