You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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