I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
