I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize