You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I bet he comes in French.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
