I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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