I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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