Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize