Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
