Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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