yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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