Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
