wanna go halves on a baby?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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