I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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