i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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