I think I died a long time ago.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
