so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
